ini blog mida

 What do you do if you know your words are the reason I cry during moments when I should be having fun? Your words are the reason my heart feels heavy. Your words are the reason I can't sleep at night. It bothers me and lingers. I keep thinking and rewinding the things I did wrong, wondering if my mistakes are too big for you to show mercy, or if your words could just be a little nicer. ​Your words are the reason my weekends are dull. Your words are the reason I don't want to move forward. Your words are the reason I feel like quitting. And in case you wonder, your words are the reason the good relationship we had is now severed. ​I wish it didn't hurt. I wish it didn't linger. I wish it didn't bother me. I wish I could just ignore it and move on. But what can I do when I have a fragile heart? I am weak against words. You could tear my body apart and I would still survive and wake up. But with just a few words, you can kill me inside. Now, here is my body with no so...

Post lama dari notes sempena hari ayah. Pagi tadi berkesempatan ziarah kubur Ayah. Dan masa cabut rumput adik cakap "Mana Ayah ni. Kenapa dia tak mesin rumput" Ya kalau Ayah ada Dan sihat mungkin takkan ada rumput panjang disekeliling rumah.  -- Semalam aku nampak ular ni dalam rumah. Aku ingat dia da mati sebab dia statik. Aku pergi tandas macam biasa. Lepastu aku ambik gambar. They say no picture it does not happen. So aku ambik gambar then sambung mandi. Sebenarnya aku tak tahu nak buat apa....seumur hidup aku bila ada situasi macam ni aku hanya jerit Dan panggil Ayah atau ibu. Tapi aku nak cakap dengan siapa ni.....aku mandi pakai baju lepastu aku tengok....dia da hilanggggg. Panik mula datang. Aku bagitahu laki aku. Entah tak tahu mana. Tapi sebab dia kecik aku biarkan je. Aku sembur bygone harap dia gone. Kalau tak gone harap aku jumpa dia Dan boleh buang je. Situasi ni buat aku sedar betapa aku bergantung pada Ayah...banyak benda aku kena belaja...

You know why I distance myself with some people. Some just happens, some due to petty things but most of all due to moments...you know that exactly after 25 days of giving birth to my daughter, I lost my dad. During those times it was the hardest for me, dealing with my postpartum and losing my dear dad. I remember those moments and people who are there with me. When I was alone with my baby at home. When I was there at home while my dad being buried. The hardest moment in my life and only few people are there with me. How some people I thought will be there for Syifa and see her growing up is actually doesn't even bother to ask about her. How hard it is for me dealing with everything and the only thing people remember is me not being there for them. I bet they were struggling too during those times. So they can't be there for me. Probably it was the same for them. I should tolerate it. How about feeling excluded? Lahhhh, probably my fault. I don't have courage to drive. I ...

Hai. Aku nak tulis dalam bahasa melayu untuk post ni sebab malas nak tulis English. Aku sebenarnya tak sangka ada orang masih baca blog aku ni. Tapi benda awam ada kat internet kan. Manalah tahu, sekarang zaman Ai. Siapa je baca blog. Aku sendiri da tak baca blog. Entah sampai bila blog ni akan bertahan ek. Sayang betul post aku da bertahun. Aku cuma datang sini menulis balik sebab benda ni buat aku rasa lapang sikit..kalau tak sempit dan bising otak aku ni. Macam biasa lepas intro meleret baru kita masuk topik asal, Pesta Buku Antarabangsa Kuala Lumpur 2026. Tahun ni aku buat keputusan pergi pesta buku minggu kedua dan berjalan solo. Sebab Syifa Amani di fasa meneroka yang susah nak dikawal dalam stroller. Berdasarkan berapa pengalaman juga, stroller tak sesuai di pesta keramaian macam ni. Itupun aku curi masa waktu lunch kerja kat rumah sebab tak boleh nak cuti. Aku seronok ye kali ni sebab aku masuk ikut pintu yang lain dari biasa. Aku dapat jumpa pameran antarabangsa dan jumpa bany...

I won an award today. A recognition at work. It leave me speechless that I was nominated and even so win as Brilliance Team. 2 years in this role, I work alone, endure nagging from senior, dealed with hard people and finally find the right people. All the process it is not easy. I once get the sam award with different team, the same Idoc team and people I work with 4 years. But this one is different. Never thought people would appreciate and even notice my hard work. It's all rezeki. Allah SWT mudahkan semua urusan. The reason why we won this is because we handle more than 400k records. Manually. It's definitely not easy. 1am I still wait data to be load. 10 to 20k each time. With the dateline, with the event at the office. We handled it all. And my manager definitely see that. Thank you for being good manager to us. It is just nothing happened magically. Thank you my partner at work. My manager. My teammate. My husband that always understand when I just grab food or tapao inst...

I should start write again. I have a lot in my notes. My mind never been quite anyway. I just have so many excuses on why I stop writing and posting. When my mind become too loud then I decided to write in my notes. Make my head clear. I just need to find a safe space to do it. -- Come to the tittle, yesterday I tried make a ciabatta. Never once try it but it seems easy so I just try. No harm right? It come out delicious. Best sandwich bread. Better than focaccia. So now in my list I want to try English muffin and bagels. Can't wait. I never thought I can make bread now that I can. I'm impressed on myself. 

Part I : Doa yang Dikabulkan When we got married we decided to plan for our first child. After a year and half we stay with my in law then finally we moved out. That time I have a better pay job, we moved from my in law and rent a house nearby my mom. I have also finally removed my wisdom teeth. So then we finally decided it's time, I stop taking contraceptive pill. Then now become the anxious wait for every late period and pregnancy test. Finally it's Ramadan, time for dua. I Doa sungguh-sungguh Ramadan kali ni supaya Allah SWT perkenan I rasa pengalaman jadi seorang ibu. Few days before raya, I didn't notice that my period is already late by 2 days but it just 2 days so it's normal. A day before I knew I was pregnant, I buka puasa with my colleague. That day I thought I have a migraine and I thought it's sign of menstrual.  So the next day, I feel like buka puasa nasi ayam kunyit, then when it's time for buka puasa the nasi ayam kunyit that used to be so good ...

I wake up today and feeling surreal, I look outside and it's drizzling. Friday morning. I still can't believe that I lost my dearly uncle yesterday. I stop to rant at Twitter but I still feel like so much in my mind that I want to tell. I want to tell the world how good he is and how close we are. I have a lot of uncles, by blood and non. He is related to us but not directly but he is there for the most part of my life than other people. We are really close. My father and him. So much good memories since I was a kid.  I remember when we go back to our hometown, I will ride with him because my car is too small for us 10 people. I still remember when Raya we will go to his house and he will cook nice meal for us. I still remember that one time we went to kenduri and I ride back with him and he bring me jalan-jalan. I still remember he went to work at Australia and then I ask him to buy me some perfume, he come back and bring me Elizabeth Arden perfume, a small koala bear and also...

It's been a long time. I want to write but I am to lazy to do so. Now, I have time to kill let's pick up where we left of.  After the last post, me counting down 10 days to my wedding day. Alhamdullillah everything went well and better than I expected. Till this day when I wake up and I see my husband beside me I still feel surreal. It's been about 10 months. I live with my in law and it's not as bad or as complicated as people told me. Everything is fine till this day. I have my cat Memey with me. Still not in TTC phase. Go back to my nikah day, we went to have our akad at JAWI. It is just so simple and funny because my husband first two lafaz akad was funny. Yang tau je tau. LOL. Whatever it is, Alhamdulillah SAH. We continue with simple ceremony at my house, just a simple and small wedding but so heart warming to me. My best friends, my favorite people are there, not all but I am thankful and content. The catering food was late and my family is furious but nothing ca...

 10-days. FAQ.  Apa perasaan?  Bercampur baur. Gembira, sedih, teruja, takut, bimbang. Seribu satu perasaan yang tak mampu diucap atau dipapar melalui wajah. Overly sensitive also. Luckily I am not crying easily. Try to seize the moment. I want to enjoy myself. Counting the day my status will change. All the responsibility and possibility. Nevertheless, I am so grateful and thankful. I am blessed that the love people show me during this time. I learn to give more. I learn the beautiful of Tawakal. Belajar mengikhlaskan banyak benda terutama masa lalu. Learn how to let go. How to be brave how to be strong. Takkan pernah berhenti berdoa dan megharap. I thought telling my father that I want ti get married is the hardest, well it turn out to be a lot easier than the whole journey. 

 I said it is okay. Let take one step at a time. Give it a try. I can adapt. It is okay. But the truth is, it is scare the hello out of me. I am worry. Will they accept me for who I am? Oh am I gonna be happy? Am I okay? Can I do this and that? What about my cat? Ya Allah. Only He knows. I am really worry. Am I good enough for them? What will they think of me? What if I want to eat something and what if I want to cook? I don't know if I should be worry about this or I overthink things. It is not easy. It never cross my mind for my whole life that I am going through this. It make me afraid of the marriage. I just can hope and pray that everything will be okay. For temporary. For temporary. I will try my best. The most important thing is I hope that my partner will accept me and protect me. 

Growing up, I'm trying so hard to make my parents proud. Just to get enough attention from them. The only thing I'm good at is study. So I study hard. My exam result always excellent, when I was 13 I got offered to boarding school, when I was 16 I got federal scholar until I was 19. When I was 20, I get 4.00 in one of hardest exam in the world, make it as one of the best student in the country, I got offered in one one the best research university and even another scholarship. My parents don't have to worry about money anymore because I got all figured out. When I was 16 I was offered to one of boarding school to further my study in fashion, but I want to make him proud so I take pure science, when the fact I'm not good at it as much as art.  Can't you see I'm just trying to make you happy and love me. But my life as not as smooth after study, I admit my rezq at work not about money or designation but more to the environment. Maybe my luck not much on that but o...

18.10.2020. Kali keenam tarikh ini memberi makna. 6 tahun lalu di mana bermulanya cerita tentang kita. Jika 5 tahun yang lepas pada tarikh ini kamu hanya seorang teman lelaki. Pada tahun ini, kamu bergelar tunang. Officially it has been two months already. Kelakar sebab masa mula bercinta pun masing-masing tak pernah keluar soalan cliche seperti "mahukah kamu menjadi teman wanita/teman lelaki" it just happens. Sebab itulah sehingga hari ini, tarikh ini yang kita rai kerana masing-masing tak tahu saat tepat kita sudah jatuh cinta. Macam juga soal kahwin, takde jambangan bunga mahal berlatar belakangkan restoran mewah. Hanya pesanan Whatsapp "tahun depan kita tunang mau?" semudah itu. Seminggu sebelum ulang tahun aku dengan mudahnya kamu menghantar pesanan melalui Whatsapp "masa birthday you I cuti, kita pergi beli cincin" . Mudah bagi aku tapi entah berapa kali agaknya fikiran kamu terganggu memikirkan bila waktu yang sesuai untuk menghalalkan cerita kita....

Now, who is going to listen to me? I am happy to listen but I realize how tiring and mentally draining it was when you only do the listening but no one actually listens to you. I do have my doubts, worries, insecurities but who is going to listen now? That what I'm asking myself this morning. It was really nice if you can listen to it and also spills. We always focus on talking and not listening, it will make a huge difference if we start listening and pay attention. It is easier to give an opinion when things are easier for you. I don't judge your struggle, I get that everyone has their own struggle but sometimes please understand that people don't need an opinion unless they ask for it. Listen and be there sometimes is more than enough. Akhirnya, sendiri memujuk hati yang Allah SWT mendengar, Maha Mendengar. Maha Tahu walaupun yang dibisik dalam hati. Tak perlu jerit, Dia tahu. Dia dengar. 

Bila tengok sale dimana-mana macam seronok je. Macam rasa nak membeli. Bukan sebab keperluan tapi sebab kepuasan. Nak kata banyak duit tak juga. Dulu mungkin aku akan beli tanpa berfikir panjang tapi bukan sekarang. Aku rasa banyak faktor yang diambil kira sebelum nak beli sesuatu terutama yang namanya pakaian. Faktor usia atau kematangan. Kedewasaan ini sense fashion akan perlahan-lahan berubah, pemilihan jenis baju, pemilihan material, pemilihan warna. Nilai kosmetik bukan lagi jadi keutamaan. Keselesaan diletakkan faktor utama. Persekitaran kerja juga memberi kesan, da kalau kerja bahagian warehouse susah ya nak pakai lawa-lawa ni. Lagi pula pergi balik kerja jalan kaki. Kasut yang paling selesa; sport shoe. Flat BO walaupun cantik dan 2 RM80 tapi tak jamin keselesaan. Takpela terima kasih. Bukan tiada kasut cantik untuk ke event tertentu tapi cukup da rasanya?  Lifestyle pun perlahan-lahan semakin berubah. Sneakers atau sport shoe. Nak nampak casual pun cukuplah sandal. Pemilih...

Hello everything. Today is day 8th of Control Movement Order in Malaysia. Guess what? We are not at the end of 14 days but we already be informed that it will be extend to another 14 days. So the CMO will finish (hopefully) by 14th April 2020. Despite of whatever we thought and complaining but in my rational thinking I think this is for the best. 31 March adalah tempoh yang terlalu singkat untuk menamatkan tempoh Perintah Kawalan Pergerakan berdasarkan graf kes baharu Covid19 di negara kita masih lagi belum menurun atau kata statistiknya 'we still not able to flatten the graph'. Semua orang boleh menjangkakan keadaan ini. Tiada siapa perlu disalahkan. Kerajaan sedang cuba yang terbaik. Malah bukan kerajaan Malaysia sahaja tetapi seluruh dunia sedang mencuba yang terbaik. Tiada siapa yang bersedia menghadapi musuh halus yang tak nampak dek mata kasar ini. Begitulah.  Aku suka bait doa yang dibacakan oleh Perdana Menteri Malaysia ke-8 tengah hari tadi. Ayat paling aku ra...

Aku terdetik nak tulis ni sebab ada orang pernah kata"you ada masalah apa je mi" dia cakap begitu hanya kerana aku tak tulis karangan panjang tentang masalah aku dekat media sosial yang dia boleh nampak. Hanya kerana aku tak tunjuk dan tak cerita bukan bermakna aku takde masalah. Hanya kerana aku gembira sentiasa tak bermakna tiada perkara yg merungsingkan. Hanya kerana aku tak berkongsi dan beritahu satu dunia aku stress tak bermakna aku selesa. Setiap orang ada masalah dan struggle sendiri. Setiap orang juga punya pilihan bagaimana mereka mahu hadap masalah mereka. Mempersoalkan seseorang mempunyai masalah atau tidak sebenarnya bukan hak kita. Bila mana kita berkongsi juga buka semua orang akan bersimpati dan berempati. Mungkin ada yang mengatakan padan muka dalam hati. Bukan cuba bersangka buruk tapi realiti mengajar kita bukan semua manusia akan bersikap telus dan jujur di hadapan kita. Tak semua akan sedih bila kita sedih. Tak semua juga akan gembira bila kita gembi...

Bahan-bahan 2 cawan tepung gandum 1 cawan serbuk koko 1 cawan minyak masak 1 cawan air suam 1 cawan susu pekat manis 4 biji telur 1 cawan gula 1 sudu esen vanilla 1 sudu soda bikarbonat Cara memasak 1. Selalunya aku campur semua bahan kering dahulu. Gaul bagi sebati.  2. Masukkan bahan basah mula dengan minyak, susu, air, telur &esen vanilla.  3. Gaul bagi sebati takde ketul-ketul.  4. Masuk dalam loyang yang dah letak dengan majerin dan tepung.  5. Masak dalam pengukus lebih kurang 40minit. Panaskan dulu pengukus sebelum masuk.  6. Nak tahu masak ke tak, ambik lidi cucuk. Kalau takde bahan yg melekat maknanya da masak kalau cair lagi. Biar dulu.  7. Topping ikut suka. Selalunya akan cairkan coklat masakan(double boild)+butter+susu. Then boleh letak chocolate chip atau chocolate rice. 

We know each other from Koperasi sekolah. I was living in my own bubble at school until I was from 4. I start to work at school cyber cafe. I'm starting to know people. After we know each other Aqilah told me her first impression to me was "akak blogger sombong". She said once she commented on my blog but I never reply. I told her that I don't even remember her comments on my blog. Must be because at that time I have a lot of comment from people blog walking until I didn't notice her. I am sorry. That just her first impression I believe it changes. Kan Qila? Hehe.  Everything starts with PKS. Macam-macam benda buat dan lalu sama. Nak tahu tak, I have sisters (younger sister) but I never close with her. These days we don't even talk to each other at all. Like strangers in the same room and house. I don't know how and why we just don't talk to each other anymore. Having Aqilah and friends, also other juniors make me feel like I really have a s...

I am learning to accept things. I am taking my time to sort things out especially things that linger in my mind. There are so many things that make me wake up in the middle of the night and torture me. Also, the things that make me hard to sleep. I am trying to accept that there are things that we can't control. We just need to face it with courage. I cried so much lately. I burst out in front of people easily. I wanted to heal. I wanted to be happy. But I need time. To accept things, I have heard these 3 tips from someone who lost people that she loved dearly. 1. Sabar. Whatever it is. Sabar. Indeed Sabr is beautiful. It is easier to said than done. Sabr is a very easy and simple word but very hard to do. To be patient with whatever comes. The good and the bad. The unexpected. To be sabar with whatever Allah SWT plans for you even it is not what you wanted. 2. Redha Redha is accepting. This one is harder than sabar. Because you need to learn to accept things. To a...