ini blog mida

 I said it is okay. Let take one step at a time. Give it a try. I can adapt. It is okay. But the truth is, it is scare the hello out of me. I am worry. Will they accept me for who I am? Oh am I gonna be happy? Am I okay? Can I do this and that? What about my cat? Ya Allah. Only He knows. I am really worry. Am I good enough for them? What will they think of me? What if I want to eat something and what if I want to cook? I don't know if I should be worry about this or I overthink things. It is not easy. It never cross my mind for my whole life that I am going through this. It make me afraid of the marriage. I just can hope and pray that everything will be okay. For temporary. For temporary. I will try my best. The most important thing is I hope that my partner will accept me and protect me. 

Growing up, I'm trying so hard to make my parents proud. Just to get enough attention from them. The only thing I'm good at is study. So I study hard. My exam result always excellent, when I was 13 I got offered to boarding school, when I was 16 I got federal scholar until I was 19. When I was 20, I get 4.00 in one of hardest exam in the world, make it as one of the best student in the country, I got offered in one one the best research university and even another scholarship. My parents don't have to worry about money anymore because I got all figured out. When I was 16 I was offered to one of boarding school to further my study in fashion, but I want to make him proud so I take pure science, when the fact I'm not good at it as much as art.  Can't you see I'm just trying to make you happy and love me. But my life as not as smooth after study, I admit my rezq at work not about money or designation but more to the environment. Maybe my luck not much on that but o...

18.10.2020. Kali keenam tarikh ini memberi makna. 6 tahun lalu di mana bermulanya cerita tentang kita. Jika 5 tahun yang lepas pada tarikh ini kamu hanya seorang teman lelaki. Pada tahun ini, kamu bergelar tunang. Officially it has been two months already. Kelakar sebab masa mula bercinta pun masing-masing tak pernah keluar soalan cliche seperti "mahukah kamu menjadi teman wanita/teman lelaki" it just happens. Sebab itulah sehingga hari ini, tarikh ini yang kita rai kerana masing-masing tak tahu saat tepat kita sudah jatuh cinta. Macam juga soal kahwin, takde jambangan bunga mahal berlatar belakangkan restoran mewah. Hanya pesanan Whatsapp "tahun depan kita tunang mau?" semudah itu. Seminggu sebelum ulang tahun aku dengan mudahnya kamu menghantar pesanan melalui Whatsapp "masa birthday you I cuti, kita pergi beli cincin" . Mudah bagi aku tapi entah berapa kali agaknya fikiran kamu terganggu memikirkan bila waktu yang sesuai untuk menghalalkan cerita kita....

Now, who is going to listen to me? I am happy to listen but I realize how tiring and mentally draining it was when you only do the listening but no one actually listens to you. I do have my doubts, worries, insecurities but who is going to listen now? That what I'm asking myself this morning. It was really nice if you can listen to it and also spills. We always focus on talking and not listening, it will make a huge difference if we start listening and pay attention. It is easier to give an opinion when things are easier for you. I don't judge your struggle, I get that everyone has their own struggle but sometimes please understand that people don't need an opinion unless they ask for it. Listen and be there sometimes is more than enough. Akhirnya, sendiri memujuk hati yang Allah SWT mendengar, Maha Mendengar. Maha Tahu walaupun yang dibisik dalam hati. Tak perlu jerit, Dia tahu. Dia dengar. 

Bila tengok sale dimana-mana macam seronok je. Macam rasa nak membeli. Bukan sebab keperluan tapi sebab kepuasan. Nak kata banyak duit tak juga. Dulu mungkin aku akan beli tanpa berfikir panjang tapi bukan sekarang. Aku rasa banyak faktor yang diambil kira sebelum nak beli sesuatu terutama yang namanya pakaian. Faktor usia atau kematangan. Kedewasaan ini sense fashion akan perlahan-lahan berubah, pemilihan jenis baju, pemilihan material, pemilihan warna. Nilai kosmetik bukan lagi jadi keutamaan. Keselesaan diletakkan faktor utama. Persekitaran kerja juga memberi kesan, da kalau kerja bahagian warehouse susah ya nak pakai lawa-lawa ni. Lagi pula pergi balik kerja jalan kaki. Kasut yang paling selesa; sport shoe. Flat BO walaupun cantik dan 2 RM80 tapi tak jamin keselesaan. Takpela terima kasih. Bukan tiada kasut cantik untuk ke event tertentu tapi cukup da rasanya?  Lifestyle pun perlahan-lahan semakin berubah. Sneakers atau sport shoe. Nak nampak casual pun cukuplah sandal. Pemilih...

Hello everything. Today is day 8th of Control Movement Order in Malaysia. Guess what? We are not at the end of 14 days but we already be informed that it will be extend to another 14 days. So the CMO will finish (hopefully) by 14th April 2020. Despite of whatever we thought and complaining but in my rational thinking I think this is for the best. 31 March adalah tempoh yang terlalu singkat untuk menamatkan tempoh Perintah Kawalan Pergerakan berdasarkan graf kes baharu Covid19 di negara kita masih lagi belum menurun atau kata statistiknya 'we still not able to flatten the graph'. Semua orang boleh menjangkakan keadaan ini. Tiada siapa perlu disalahkan. Kerajaan sedang cuba yang terbaik. Malah bukan kerajaan Malaysia sahaja tetapi seluruh dunia sedang mencuba yang terbaik. Tiada siapa yang bersedia menghadapi musuh halus yang tak nampak dek mata kasar ini. Begitulah.  Aku suka bait doa yang dibacakan oleh Perdana Menteri Malaysia ke-8 tengah hari tadi. Ayat paling aku ra...

Aku terdetik nak tulis ni sebab ada orang pernah kata"you ada masalah apa je mi" dia cakap begitu hanya kerana aku tak tulis karangan panjang tentang masalah aku dekat media sosial yang dia boleh nampak. Hanya kerana aku tak tunjuk dan tak cerita bukan bermakna aku takde masalah. Hanya kerana aku gembira sentiasa tak bermakna tiada perkara yg merungsingkan. Hanya kerana aku tak berkongsi dan beritahu satu dunia aku stress tak bermakna aku selesa. Setiap orang ada masalah dan struggle sendiri. Setiap orang juga punya pilihan bagaimana mereka mahu hadap masalah mereka. Mempersoalkan seseorang mempunyai masalah atau tidak sebenarnya bukan hak kita. Bila mana kita berkongsi juga buka semua orang akan bersimpati dan berempati. Mungkin ada yang mengatakan padan muka dalam hati. Bukan cuba bersangka buruk tapi realiti mengajar kita bukan semua manusia akan bersikap telus dan jujur di hadapan kita. Tak semua akan sedih bila kita sedih. Tak semua juga akan gembira bila kita gembi...