Favoritism

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Growing up, I'm trying so hard to make my parents proud. Just to get enough attention from them. The only thing I'm good at is study. So I study hard. My exam result always excellent, when I was 13 I got offered to boarding school, when I was 16 I got federal scholar until I was 19. When I was 20, I get 4.00 in one of hardest exam in the world, make it as one of the best student in the country, I got offered in one one the best research university and even another scholarship. My parents don't have to worry about money anymore because I got all figured out. When I was 16 I was offered to one of boarding school to further my study in fashion, but I want to make him proud so I take pure science, when the fact I'm not good at it as much as art. 

Can't you see I'm just trying to make you happy and love me. But my life as not as smooth after study, I admit my rezq at work not about money or designation but more to the environment. Maybe my luck not much on that but others. I'm grateful but for them I don't it's enough. I'm not working at government sector or something they proud of. I think they don't even know what exactly I'm doing. To be brutally honest, I'm keeping all inside. When I grow older I see clearly that happiness can only be buy with money and gift. The more you give the more you get. I pray everyday, every single prayer that He will make my heart at ease whenever I feel hurt or being treated unfairly. 

If I know this going to happen to me I might as well follow my dreams and make myself happy. I always feel derhaka, always feel at my fault for not being good enough to make me happy but God knows how much I try. I'm figure I'm just not their favorite even I'm being independent and make it easy for them as much as I can . I can point every single thing that are different from how I'm being treated. I'm tired of being sabr guys. But Allah stated that there's big reward for peolle who're being sabr. I'm burn out. Looking back I always want to run. I always wish to die. Getting older I'm being all positive I can but I can't stop thinking of how thing can be different. Ya Allah, please ease me. Please. 

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