Syifa Amani

Part I : Doa yang Dikabulkan

When we got married we decided to plan for our first child. After a year and half we stay with my in law then finally we moved out. That time I have a better pay job, we moved from my in law and rent a house nearby my mom. I have also finally removed my wisdom teeth. So then we finally decided it's time, I stop taking contraceptive pill.

Then now become the anxious wait for every late period and pregnancy test. Finally it's Ramadan, time for dua. I Doa sungguh-sungguh Ramadan kali ni supaya Allah SWT perkenan I rasa pengalaman jadi seorang ibu. Few days before raya, I didn't notice that my period is already late by 2 days but it just 2 days so it's normal. A day before I knew I was pregnant, I buka puasa with my colleague. That day I thought I have a migraine and I thought it's sign of menstrual. 

So the next day, I feel like buka puasa nasi ayam kunyit, then when it's time for buka puasa the nasi ayam kunyit that used to be so good make me want to throw up. Then the feeling become strange, I only have a cheap pregnancy test that I bought together with a fertility test. I decided to take a test and the lines that is usually only one now become double. I'm not sure if it's really that I am pregnant or because of the cheap test. So I went to pharmacy and buy the reliable one. I don't remember how many test I took but it was more than 2 and all were positive. It was just few days before raya and Allah SWT already answered my dua. 

Part II: Pregnancy Journey

The first few weeks I had worst breakout on my face. First trimester, everything I cook is feeling weird on my taste bud. I don't have the morning sickness but I just lost appetite, I can only eat less. I loss 2kg during the first trimester. 

Then come second trimester, I think my second trimester is the worst because I suddenly have infection on my breast. It's a torturing duration of 8 to 12 weeks. I just hope it won't last until I gave birth because if doesn't improve how can I breastfeed my child. 

Alhamdulillah it become better on third trimester. Almost everything become better. I don't have diabetes during my pregnancy, Alhamdulillah. I didn't even eat much. My weight increase suddenly 2 kg and I have to take ubat cair darah. But total weight increase in my whole pregnancy journey I think only 3-4kg. 

I consider my pregnancy quite easy compare to others who had it worst but it's not that easy for me because everything is new to me. I feel different in my own body, I'm pregnant but not showing. It's hard to tell until I'm 9 months pregnant. I had heartburn every night. It's hard to sleep at night so I sleep a lot during the day. Alhamdulillah my baby is growing well inside me. That's the only thing I wish for. 

Part III: The Labor Experience

EDD aku 27hb Disember 2023. Aku berharap sangat anak aku baby Disember dan 2023. Tapi itulah bak kata my husband "tak semua kita nak kita dapat". Jadi sebab pregnancy ni takde masalah dan baby da engage jadi Dr bagi masa seminggu sebelum tarikh serah diri. 

Masa last appointment KK 26hb Disember da dapat surat da refer kat HTA 2hb Jan dan include 3hb Jan sebab 3hb Jan baby da 41 minggu. Jadi 2023 berlalu dan baby masih belum nak keluar. Jadinya 2hb tu bangun pagi dan tengok ada lendir darah keluar, ni da turun tanda dan memang kena pergi serah diri. Aku da ready semua, suami saya nampak lambat nak proses maklumat di situ. Jadi kita pun meneruskan perjalanan merempuh kesesakan lalu lintas Jalan Pahang pada waktu puncak orang pergi kerja menuju ke HTA. Entah kenapa terasa perjalanan tu jauh ya. 

Sampai PAC kita bagi buku pink, bagi surat refer. Kena sign borang yang mungkin kena tunggu sampai 2 malam. Pergi sana sampai dalam 830 pagi. Lepas Dr check bukaan 1cm, scan baby semua. Daftar masuk wad dan dapat masuk wad dalam pukul 11 pagi. Masa tu ada orang kena tolak atas katil, aku masih rilek ya pergi masuk wad jalan je. Dapatlah katil, tukarlah pakai baju pink. Masa tu waktu melawat petang je sebab hari biasa, jadi suami hantar barang je, salam dan suruh dia datang petang bawa barang lain. Masa ni macam biasa je, duduk katil rilek rilek. Dr datang check, nurse datang check BP. 

Makan tengahari, makan petang, makan malam. Esok pagi baru induce. Jadi 3hb Januari 6 pagi da kena masuk ubat induce. Masa tu jugalah ada orang nak bersalin da walaupun baby baru 27 minggu. Nervous tengok. Lepastu merasa la pengalaman kena induce ubat, 1 jam pertama baring kemudian nurse suruh jalan supaya ubat berkesan. Bosan juga jalan dalam wad ni hujung sana sini. Buat je squat semua tapi takdela banyak. Tunggu 6 jam next check jalan pukul 1 tengahari. Bila check masih 1cm, sakit pun takde jadi masuk pula ubat yang kedua. Masa ni pun kena baring tu baca surah Maryam. Lepas habis je baca surah Maryam ni sakit datang. Lain macam sakit dia. Bukan macam senggugut, sakit dia memang genggam katil. Jadi tahan la, petang tu check jalan lagi dalam pukul 7 macam tu, baru 3 cm. Dr tanya nak ubat tahan sakit tak, haruslah nak. 8 malam macam tu dapat ubat tahan sakit rasanya dapatlah tidur sekejap, lepastu rasanya sepanjang malam da tak tidur. Sakit dia tarik urat kat peha. Nak minta ubat tahan sakit lagi nurse takde pula malam tu, ada pun Dr check tengok CTG. 

Bila dah pagi 4hb Januari ada nurse datang tanya nak ubat tahan sakit tak, nak la. Masa tu makanan sampai entah hilang selera da. Makan juga biskut dengan air. Tapi nurse tak sempat bagi ubat tahan sakit, dia bawa kerusi roda cakap labor room da panggil. Pakai kerusi roda je kita, confirm la harini kena bersalin. Masa tu nurse kata suami boleh teman. Aku pun call la suami suruh datang. Bilik bersalin kat tingkat 4 HTA. Masa tu saya berkerusi roda, nurse tolak jadi takdela serius mana lagi. Masuk bilik bersalin kena letak CTG kat perut, tangan lagi sebelah untuk monitor BP pula. Masa tu sakit. Dr pun check bukaan 4cm. Air ketuban kena pecah dan baby da berak dalam perut. Jadi monitor untuk 6 jam berikutnya. 

Sakit datang pergi. Ada Dr offer epidural, masa tu berfikir fikir, yela ada orang kata jangan ambik. Ada orang kata okay je. Kitonya tak tahan sakit jadi ambik la. Sementara nak tunggu epidural tu dapat ubat tahan sakit biasa yang cucuk kat bontot. Tapi sakit juga. CTG ada contraction. Cubalah tidur sebab semalaman tak tidur kan. 

1:30 check lagi bukaan kat 4cm. Ada satu ketika tu CTG baby tak cantik, Dorang da prepare da nak emergency czer. Tapi Dr hold dulu, bila ubah position telentang CTG okay. Disebabkan ini anak pertama jadinya Dr kalau boleh nak bagi bersalin normal. Jadi monitor lagi 4 jam. Pukul 4 macam tu bila check berak baby makin banyak, bukaan kat 4cm lagi, cervix da start bengkak. Jadi selepas HO advise MO semua, memang kena czer la geng anak saya ni. Tunggu OT, dalam pukul 6 kena tolak. Jumpa suami kat luar dalam, masuk dalam OT 6:15 agaknya. Sebab da ada epidural tu senanglah Dr bius masuk ubat. 

Bius separuh badan je geng sebab Dr kata kalau kita tidur baby pun akan tidur. Sejuk menggigil ya dalam bilik OT. Tapi tenang je semua dalam bilik OT siap ada pasang lagu lagi. Tangan aku da dicucuk-cucuk je. Ingat aku nervous ke apa sampai teruk gigil tapi Dr bius kata memang sejuk. Jadi dia kata dia akan bagi ubat kurang gigil tapi kena tunggu baby keluar. Takde rasa sakit tapi memang rasa la perut kita macam ditolak-tolak. Selepas beberapa ketika rasa tolakan yang sangat kuat aku terdengarlah tangisan bayi. Masa tu macam aaahhhh anak aku. Aku perasan kat luar OT macam ada beberapa orang yang tunggu sambil bersembang. 

Kemudian bila baby da keluar baru mereka beraksi jadi ketika itu aku tahu mereka bahagian kanak-kanak. Dr bagi tunjuk jantina bila baby keluar lepastu da bawa keluar dia da balut semua dia bagi baby skin to skin kat pipi aku. Masa tu Ya Allah comelnya anak saya. Bulat sangat mata dia. Dia tak nangis pun, putih pula tu. 6:40 petang masa tu. Jadi kemudian dengar la bunyi sedutan semua. 

Lepas da siap da alih katil aku kena tolak luar bilik bedah. Masa tu mengantuk geng aku pun tidur la masa boleh tidur. Tak tahu lah waktu pukul berapa tapi terasa lama lah kat situ. Dr cakap degupan jantung laju, kena tambah darah, darah acidic la, ABG tak cantik. Tangan aku dicucuk sana, dicucuk sini aku reda ya. Lepastu ingat da boleh kena tolak masuk wad, tapi lepas MO telefon pakar kena tolak masuk ICU ya sebab kena monitor. Aku cam ICU, teruk sangat ke. Lepas keluar dari situ nak pergi ICU barulah aku nampak suamiku di situ setia menunggu. Apalah dia rasa tunggu isteri dia. 

Bila masuk kat AICU tu nurse situ lap kan badan, tukarkan baju, pakaikan pad. Masa tu lapar dan dahaga sangat, tanya nurse boleh minum tak dia kata nanti saya buatkan Milo dan bagi air. Tanya juga berapa lama saya kena duduk sini, malam ni dia kata. Nurse kata takpelah rehat sini, kalau masuk wad serabut. Lepastu baru perasan tangan lebam lebam. Ada Dr cucuk satu jarum yang bolehkan Dorang senang nak ambik darah dengan tujuan monitor. Darah da okay da tengah malam tu tapi takpelah. Nurse AICU bagus sangat geng. Baik je semua. Fahamlah kenapa duduk ICU sebab nurse dan Dr sentiasa ada kat situ. Tak ramai pun pesakit. 3 orang je masa tu. 

Dapatlah aku jumpa suami, rupanya suami aku tak dapat tengok anak lagi. Tak tahu anak kat mana. Tanya nurse, then nurse telefon cakap anak kat wad 7D. Suruh la suami aku pergi ambik barang dan tengok baby nak iqamat baby. Dua-dua wad tak bagi dia masuk. Geram kita. Telefon aku da la nak habis bateri, telefon suami pun sama. Jadi aku suruh suami balik dulu ambik kan power bank, bawa uri balik dan charge phone dia. Masa tu da nak dekat pukul 11 malam ya. Lama betul suami aku tunggu. Kesian dia. Jadi dia pun datang balik kemudian bagi Powerbank. AICU rilek je malam pun bagi je orang masuk lagi. Bukan nak lama pun kejap je. Masa tu la baru boleh tengok telefon dan update. 

Esoknya pun masih kat AICU, tunggu katil kat wad. Masa tu da rindu nak tengok anak. Petang tu baru suami aku datang dengan mak mentua. Barulah dia boleh ambik barang dan tengok baby. Baru dapat gambar baby. Anakku rambut lebat. Comel betul. Bila dah ambik barang semua lega da. Pukul 8 malam baru dapat masuk wad. Da settle down baru dapat jumpa baby. Haaaa macam tak percaya. Alhamdulillah semua selamat. Masa tu da kena turun katil ada la rasa sakit. Entahla bawah betul bahagian luka tu tak nampak. Jalan la slow slow. Tak pernah terfikir aku kena bersalin czer. Aku berharap bersalin normal tapi Tuhan takkan uji lebih dari apa yang kita mampu dan Dia Maha Tahu. Memang pengalaman bersalin ni sangat menyedarkan. Ini semua rahsia Tuhan. Waktu masa dan bagaimana ditentukan Dia walau bagaimanapun kita merancang dan berharap segalanya mengikut aturan kita tapi sungguhkah kita tiada kuasa. 

Part IV: 4th Trimester 

Finally I got to go home with my baby. So this so called 4th Trimester I think the most vulnerable phase. I easily feel tired and helpless. I did cry few times. The first week was the hardest because I just have a czer operation and just meet my newborn. Still adapting, learning new things. I never feel helpless my whole life, I have to ask people help for almost everything. I can't even watch tv because I have blurry vision (probably effect from epidural). I can't sleep at night because my baby keep crying whenever I put her down. Then slowly I learned. 

Went to KK for checkup almost everyday, feel helpless again because I have to walk slowly even pushed on a wheelchair. How helpless than can be for someone independent like me. Then my baby don't even poo for almost 4 days. We become worried, only then I learned it's normal for newborn who drink only breast milk. Her weight drop from birth but not much only about 200g. But Dr want to keep monitor, I get frustrated when the one of the doctor ask me to mix with formula milk to ensure her weight increase and she will poop more. Then I talk to my bestie and she give me reassurance. 

Later I find a lactation counselor to check if my latch is okay. Alhamdulillah after a consultation I'm getting better at breastfeeding, one week past I'm more rilex. I don't want to co sleep with my baby initially, I know it's not good but little did I know my newborn need me to be near as possible with her because she's a new soul just born to this strange world. Whatever my baby need and I finally get to rest at night. Day become better, the wound also eventually heal. I guess it's true time heal. 

Now I want to enjoy every second of my baby. I'm feeling sad again thinking that she will never be this small again and I start to miss the time she was in my tummy. Oh my little ones, I love you. Seeing you beside me just....pure love sayang. Mummy loves you. 

Part V: Syifa Amani

How we named her. The day we announced her name a lot of friend and family told me that her name is nice. Syifa simply mean heal or healing and Amani means ambition, my desire, my calmness. I like the meaning of both, I've been thinking of naming our child A +S because of our initial(my husband and I). 

I like the name Syifa because of her name sounds alike her father name Syapei and also there is selawat Syifa that I always recite whenever I'm in pain. There's time where I was tested with pain, and sometimes it's unbearable and being healed is what I need the most. 

Then I ask my husband to pick a name start with letter A. He then send me a long list of A name with the meaning. I have seen Amani before somewhere and I like the softness in the phonetic surprisingly it bring nice meaning also. So then Syifa Amani because I want her to be call Syifa. Even I want her name to start with alphabet A but ya, I think Syifa sound nicer in front. 

So that's my long story about my first child. She's one month now. During this month I have also lost my dear father. Which I will sure to write about him. Semoga anak saya menjadi anak yang solehah dan menyenangkan semua di sekelilingnya. Aminn.