ini blog mida

I wake up today and feeling surreal, I look outside and it's drizzling. Friday morning. I still can't believe that I lost my dearly uncle yesterday. I stop to rant at Twitter but I still feel like so much in my mind that I want to tell. I want to tell the world how good he is and how close we are. I have a lot of uncles, by blood and non. He is related to us but not directly but he is there for the most part of my life than other people. We are really close. My father and him. So much good memories since I was a kid.  I remember when we go back to our hometown, I will ride with him because my car is too small for us 10 people. I still remember when Raya we will go to his house and he will cook nice meal for us. I still remember that one time we went to kenduri and I ride back with him and he bring me jalan-jalan. I still remember he went to work at Australia and then I ask him to buy me some perfume, he come back and bring me Elizabeth Arden perfume, a small koala bear and also...

It's been a long time. I want to write but I am to lazy to do so. Now, I have time to kill let's pick up where we left of.  After the last post, me counting down 10 days to my wedding day. Alhamdullillah everything went well and better than I expected. Till this day when I wake up and I see my husband beside me I still feel surreal. It's been about 10 months. I live with my in law and it's not as bad or as complicated as people told me. Everything is fine till this day. I have my cat Memey with me. Still not in TTC phase. Go back to my nikah day, we went to have our akad at JAWI. It is just so simple and funny because my husband first two lafaz akad was funny. Yang tau je tau. LOL. Whatever it is, Alhamdulillah SAH. We continue with simple ceremony at my house, just a simple and small wedding but so heart warming to me. My best friends, my favorite people are there, not all but I am thankful and content. The catering food was late and my family is furious but nothing ca...

 10-days. FAQ.  Apa perasaan?  Bercampur baur. Gembira, sedih, teruja, takut, bimbang. Seribu satu perasaan yang tak mampu diucap atau dipapar melalui wajah. Overly sensitive also. Luckily I am not crying easily. Try to seize the moment. I want to enjoy myself. Counting the day my status will change. All the responsibility and possibility. Nevertheless, I am so grateful and thankful. I am blessed that the love people show me during this time. I learn to give more. I learn the beautiful of Tawakal. Belajar mengikhlaskan banyak benda terutama masa lalu. Learn how to let go. How to be brave how to be strong. Takkan pernah berhenti berdoa dan megharap. I thought telling my father that I want ti get married is the hardest, well it turn out to be a lot easier than the whole journey. 

 I said it is okay. Let take one step at a time. Give it a try. I can adapt. It is okay. But the truth is, it is scare the hello out of me. I am worry. Will they accept me for who I am? Oh am I gonna be happy? Am I okay? Can I do this and that? What about my cat? Ya Allah. Only He knows. I am really worry. Am I good enough for them? What will they think of me? What if I want to eat something and what if I want to cook? I don't know if I should be worry about this or I overthink things. It is not easy. It never cross my mind for my whole life that I am going through this. It make me afraid of the marriage. I just can hope and pray that everything will be okay. For temporary. For temporary. I will try my best. The most important thing is I hope that my partner will accept me and protect me. 

Growing up, I'm trying so hard to make my parents proud. Just to get enough attention from them. The only thing I'm good at is study. So I study hard. My exam result always excellent, when I was 13 I got offered to boarding school, when I was 16 I got federal scholar until I was 19. When I was 20, I get 4.00 in one of hardest exam in the world, make it as one of the best student in the country, I got offered in one one the best research university and even another scholarship. My parents don't have to worry about money anymore because I got all figured out. When I was 16 I was offered to one of boarding school to further my study in fashion, but I want to make him proud so I take pure science, when the fact I'm not good at it as much as art.  Can't you see I'm just trying to make you happy and love me. But my life as not as smooth after study, I admit my rezq at work not about money or designation but more to the environment. Maybe my luck not much on that but o...

18.10.2020. Kali keenam tarikh ini memberi makna. 6 tahun lalu di mana bermulanya cerita tentang kita. Jika 5 tahun yang lepas pada tarikh ini kamu hanya seorang teman lelaki. Pada tahun ini, kamu bergelar tunang. Officially it has been two months already. Kelakar sebab masa mula bercinta pun masing-masing tak pernah keluar soalan cliche seperti "mahukah kamu menjadi teman wanita/teman lelaki" it just happens. Sebab itulah sehingga hari ini, tarikh ini yang kita rai kerana masing-masing tak tahu saat tepat kita sudah jatuh cinta. Macam juga soal kahwin, takde jambangan bunga mahal berlatar belakangkan restoran mewah. Hanya pesanan Whatsapp "tahun depan kita tunang mau?" semudah itu. Seminggu sebelum ulang tahun aku dengan mudahnya kamu menghantar pesanan melalui Whatsapp "masa birthday you I cuti, kita pergi beli cincin" . Mudah bagi aku tapi entah berapa kali agaknya fikiran kamu terganggu memikirkan bila waktu yang sesuai untuk menghalalkan cerita kita....

Now, who is going to listen to me? I am happy to listen but I realize how tiring and mentally draining it was when you only do the listening but no one actually listens to you. I do have my doubts, worries, insecurities but who is going to listen now? That what I'm asking myself this morning. It was really nice if you can listen to it and also spills. We always focus on talking and not listening, it will make a huge difference if we start listening and pay attention. It is easier to give an opinion when things are easier for you. I don't judge your struggle, I get that everyone has their own struggle but sometimes please understand that people don't need an opinion unless they ask for it. Listen and be there sometimes is more than enough. Akhirnya, sendiri memujuk hati yang Allah SWT mendengar, Maha Mendengar. Maha Tahu walaupun yang dibisik dalam hati. Tak perlu jerit, Dia tahu. Dia dengar.